Independence...

"If you always wear her, she'll never learn to walk."
"If you rock her to sleep, you'll create bad habits."
"If you don't leave her in the nursery/with a sitter, she'll never learn to stay without you."
"If you let her sleep in your bed, you'll never get her out!"
"If you nurse her when she cries, she'll always whine to get what she wants."
"If you pick her up when she falls, she'll never learn to deal with life's hard knocks."
"If you always help her, she'll never learn to do things on her own."
"You shouldn't allow 'tattling', they need to figure it out on their own."

These and other wrong assumptions are a common sounding in our society when it comes to parenthood. I would say that many a new mother's fears are rooted within them. If you are a mother these warnings are likely ringing in your ears by now and unfortunately a good many mother has been undermined by "helpful" observations such as these and the ensuing advice/suggestions/doomsday prophesies of well-meaning if not mistaken friends or family (who have had these unfortunate ideas hounded into them as well so that it becomes a cycle of repetition). The result being that many moms partially or ultimately deny their instincts to the contrary and give way to these and similar fears, and end up parenting in a way which goes against their natural (God-given) instincts about how to raise a child. Many end up forcing their babies and children to do things that they are not developmentally ready for, sleeping on their own, for instance, or feeding at intervals of a set # of hours (rather than on cue i.e. when babe needs it) among countless other things.

The common theme is the issue of independence. The sayings I listed above can all pretty much translate down to "If you do/don't do xyz, your child will never be able to function independently (from you)." I find, however, that there is a great and gaping fallacy in this notion. Forcing babies/children to do things or deal with things that they are not developmentally ready for actually creates an insecurity and it may in fact make it take all the longer for him/her to learn that skill. The beautiful and self-evident truth within the attachment/instinctual/primal/gentle/grace-based/etc. style/s of parenting are that when you the parent act as your child's nest, holding him gently until he is ready to fly, he will be all the more secure and confident when he is ready to do so. Instead of taking off shakily from a perch which has failed to hold him in the past, he can jump fearlessly from a foundation he knows to be solid. He can also fledge with the knowledge that if he falls, a soft landing awaits so that he can return unbroken to try again, and when he soars -and he will- it can be with pride and assurance. I say that he will soar, for the attached and secure child cannot help but soar. All children desire to learn, all children desire to grow, all will learn and grow and there is nothing we can do to stop that, we can hardly hold them back, but we can give them the gift of a rich soil, a firm and sure foundation from which to do so, just as Christ Jesus does for us.

Today I watched my daughters traipse around the village. Well, sort of, because much of the time they were out of my sight. They held hands, they helped each other, but they wanted to do it by themselves. "You stay here mom, we want to go for a walk. It's so fun to go by ourselves!" I gave them a couple pointers, instructions of areas they were to stay away from... And released them. You see, being an attached parent does not mean I force my kids to always be by my side, or that I hover unnecessarily around them at all times, it means that I give them as much support as they want or need until they are ready to do something on their own.

Now, there are times to hold them back now and then when they think they are ready but I perceive something they do not (a hidden danger, for example,) this is an obvious part of the protective nature of parenthood which is necessary to basic safety and is an important aspect of our job. Specifically when this is necessary is left to each individual parent's discernment. But on the whole what I am talking about is letting them let me know when and what they are ready for and letting them test that out in the safe space of our family, then under my eye in the world, and eventually out in the world on their own.

I should also note that this manner of parenting does not mean that boundaries are not set as some might surmise. There is one paved and very busy road at one end of the village where people are notorious for driving without due caution. When my children asked to go for a walk by themselves, I instructed them to stay away from that road and that side of the village. I already know I can generally trust them with an instruction like that and I also knew that the spots they wished to visit were far from there. I also instructed them not to wander far from the paths (which they know quite well from our numerous family walks) or the streams that they often play in and near. Now, had they not followed those instructions, stayed within the boundaries set, they would have lost my trust and would have had to wait until they were displaying a bit more maturity or had in my opinion learned the lesson and then would have been allowed to try again.

As it was, they did stay within the boundaries and had a blast, going back down the trails again and again without me, picking plums in the lane, splashing in the spring, and running through the fields. It blessed and continues to bless my heart seeing how very secure and independent they are today. In fact I can't stop getting comments about "how independent and happy they are". One woman even said to me recently, "Wow, so many kids today are so clingy, I love seeing your little ones out playing so fearlessly!"

I truly and seriously believe this is due to the attached way they've been raised, having needs met when they needed being met, safe in the knowledge that my arms are always there to catch them.

One of my middle daughters was especially needful of my presence, physically, when she was younger. This was less so at home, particularly in public. She is shy. She was almost always to be found on my hip or my arm. I sometimes heard the term "clingy" when others would reference her behavior. I dislike this term immensely because I believe it perpetuates false ideas about children and their needs, but anyway, I took little heed and continued to gently encourage her, but ultimately hold her when she felt unsure or scared, or just wanted my closeness and comfort. You would not recognize her today as that once "clingy" (ugh) child.. She is as independent as her sisters, bold even, yet also the one who is quickest to use common sense. She really thinks about what she does before she does it, a wonderful trait. By fostering to her need for my presence and safety at an earlier age I equipped her with emotional intelligence and the ability to trust herself. I actually encouraged her natural tendency toward level-headedness and caution by trusting her instinctual need for me early on.

Other examples? Our babies all slept in our bed. They all sleep quite happily in their own beds now (except, of course the current baby, who is not yet ready to) with no force or manipulation used on our part to get them there. My babies were all breastfed on cue and well into toddler-hood. They all eat real food now, no force or manipulation needed. They were all worn in slings or wraps as babies and not only can they all walk (not to mention out-run me, lol) but they all walked quite early, varying between 9 and 12 months. I spoke baby talk to them as it seemed to me the most natural thing in the world and they all speak quite well and began speaking around the same time they began walking. I rocked or nursed them all to sleep. They do not need me to now, no forcing there either. I could go on and on with examples. Those are our own experiences and they are not put in here to brag or say I'm a perfect parent, I make mistakes every day, sometimes I downright suck. But I do have a firm belief in the principles I've shared here and evidence in our own family life that supports it.

Please mothers, listen to your instincts. Do not let the world scare or shame you out of parenting your child with mindfulness, gentleness, according to your and your child's actual needs. It turns out so great, I promise! Plus there is so much bonding, relationship and trust building, and sweet memories to be made in the doing of it all, don't let unfounded fears steal that from your both.