Here we will look at some Bible verses that are very familiar to most Christian parents, they've been burned into our minds, after all, as well as some verses which aren't so often looked at, and we will closely examine all of these. I will start with some of the less quoted (at least, less quoted in the context of parenthood) and also look at other aspects of the issue.
Vengeance
"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." This statement is repeated throughout the Old and New Testaments and we are quick to use this as a mantra when we are discussing a Christian's role in the world, particularly when someone hurts us, or when we see something bad happening. Although we may be prompted to
act in some fashion, we are definitely not to act out in anger or to take vengeance into our own hands in these situations, because, hey, vengeance belongs to the Lord. And rightly so. Now think about this verse in relation to parenting. We're not so quick to apply it there though, eh? I often wondered why not. It's not as though it reads, "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord -unless it's your kids, then have at it!" It's outside our comfort zones, I suppose, because to admit that this truth applies to all areas of our lives might bring us to the uncomfortable possibility that
punishment may not be a parent's right
at all. What is punishment truly, other than vengeance? Vengeance which clearly ain't ours to met out. Period. That much is plain to see.
"But God punishes us and we are to be God in our child's life!"
As disturbing as that statement actually is if you think about it, it is dismaying how prevalent this idea is in "Christian" circles. Let me make something very, very clear. YOU are not God. You are not to
be God. The only Person who is to BE God in your child's life is GOD. The. End. You are however to strive towards holiness in yourself and to
guide your children toward that end, but never by force as no one become heart-holy, truly saved, set apart, or on the road of righteousness by another human's power. You are also to adapt a servant-leader example (as opposed to the Lord Over All example many take) as Christ did and commanded we also do. This means as a Pastor, as a friend, as a spouse, as a brother or sister in Christ and
yes, as a parent as well. Hard to swallow, but contrary to popular cultural belief, we actually are to be servant leaders in our families. This means self-sacrifice. This means doing what is hard and controlling our tempers, controlling our desires, controlling our actions, responses, and reactions. VERY hard, I admit because I
know, but I, you, as a parent, a teacher, a guide,
must be self controlled. That does not just mean keeping our cool while we beat our child (as some authors chillingly suggest,) It means
not beating our child as we try to met out some twisted sort of vengeance
-even if we really want to because they annoyed, angered, or shamed us or did something wrong!- because, as we've just learned, vengeance
does not belong to us!
The Unforgiving Parent
Many "Christian" authors and parenting "experts" teach out of one side of their mouths that our homes should be filled with forgiveness and grace, yet out of the other side also justify striking children for their offenses (for which offenses and how often is disagreed upon by
all, because of course, this is purely based in opinion, and not true biblical teaching.) This leads me to believe that the word
forgiveness may be being gravely misunderstood. Let me show you a story that Jesus shared when his own disciples (whom though he sometimes scolded, he never hit, I might add) approached him asking about forgiveness.
The parable is entitled
The Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21-35) in which Jesus tells of a servant of the king who owes this king a great deal of money. The servant does not have the money to pay back the king and falls before the king, begging to be given more time. Having pity on the man, the king cancels his debt completely. Immediately afterwards this man goes out, finds another servant who owes him a relatively quite small amount and demands to be repaid. When the fellow servant begs for more time the first servant hardens his heart and has the other thrown in prison until his debt could be repaid. Word of this quickly gets round to the king from his other servants who were (rightly) outraged by what they heard and saw, the king becomes very angry. He calls for the servant to be brought back before him, saying to him, "
‘You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'" (v. 32-33) He then has the man thrown in prison and the last verse of the story reads, "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart." (v.35)
"But this passage isn't directed at parents!" You say? I submit that any passage which speaks to human relations and treatment of our fellow man speak to all people unless a specific limit is placed in the text, (husbands to wives, for example) regardless of age (or race, gender, etc.) We must stop thinking of children as some lesser-other kind of-not really yet- People. Children are as much human persons as you or I with the same human rights, in need of our utmost patience, gentleness, and loving care. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ who deserve the same grace as we say we should show our other fellow believers. If anything we should be more gracious to them because of their tender age.
And what do we learn from this parable in relation to parenting? Exacting payment (punishment/spanking) and then "forgiving" is hypocritical, as it would be by any other account, to any other person. This is not true forgiveness and to do so is an oxymoron. It is not Biblical treatment of anyone, least of all the "least of these."
Exasperation
"Fathers do not exasperate your children." (from Col. 3:21,)This verse -this
command- is repeated in the New Testament (It is also found in Ephesians). Let me just throw this out there, being struck exasperates all children, all the time. "Or they will become discouraged" is how the command ends in Colossians. We are not to do things which discourage our children. Spanking is certainly discouraging. Interesting to think about those lines for a moment, but I leave you with that to mull over and move on.
Does Correction Have A Place?
Biblically, it
absolutely does! But what does the Bible say about correction? Firstly, it is a private affair (Matt. 18:15) (no more internet shaming folks, sorry,) secondly (looking at Galations 6:1 here) it is to be done humbly, in all gentleness,
while watching out that we too are not in sin, and solely for the purpose of
restoration or building up
(as opposed to the purpose of seeking revenge for an offense, which is the difference between correction and punishment and is a very important difference.) Correction should be done with "complete patience" (2 Tim. 4:2) and with this awesome thing called grace which is to permeate our lives (1 Peter 4:10). Lastly it is to be done with encouragement (1 Thess. 5;11, Heb. 3:13), comfortingly (2 Corinth. 2:7.) and while b
earing each other's burdens, (Gal. 6:2) (That's where that whole, "servant leadership" thing comes into play.)
This is Biblical correction. Not beating, hitting, hurting, or violence of any form.
Philippians 4:5 says, "Let your gentleness be evident to all," Not "Let your gentleness be evident to all except your naughty child." Not "Let your gentleness be evident to all unless you are really "righteously" angry." No.
"Let your gentleness be evident to all." Period.
Frankly, there are so many gentle, positive and encouraging ways to correct, guide, and re-direct our children when it is necessary that resorting to hitting is nothing less than reactive, if not prideful, and lazy parenting. When I use the word "reactive", I mean our sinful and pride-filled response to an affront, i.e. sinning in our anger (even if we are keeping our emotions or tone of voice under control in the moment,) taking vengeance into our own hands and not responding with sympathy, understanding and compassion as we are supposed to.
A Cultural Malady
Whether raised in the Church or out, most of us have grown up with hitting all around us, with mantra's about "kids today" and "spoiling" children and so on and so forth (utter nonsense, by the way), where striking a young child for an offence is both accepted and encouraged. I submit that this is a cultural problem and that when we in the Church go along with this notion that we are giving in to a sinful and twisted cultural norm that has NO PLACE in a Christ-centered family (or, indeed, any family.) Another of Satan's devious attacks on the family, a seed, sadly, deeply rooted and planted by him which will
only bear bad fruit.
A Bad Fruit
It is often said that "the problem with the world today is parents refuse to discipline their children" (meaning hit,) or "Less people would be in prison if parents weren't afraid to spank their kids," or something similar. Do you really believe that the men and women behind bars today are those who weren't hit?! If you mistakenly think this then let me assure you, quite the opposite is true. It is reported that over 80% of inmates were raised with hitting. In fact, according to studies, spanking actually increases the risk of later involvement in crime. Which makes sense. Treat a child violently (yes, spanking is a violent act, it is aggressive, demeaning, and a physical assault) and that is how he will treat others. Does it make sense to tell a child "Haven't I told you not to hit your sister!" and accompany that with a smack on the bum? Or "Your hands aren't for hitting!" with a slap on the wrist? This is nonsensical at best, at worst a confusing abuse!
The science has come back conclusively, again and again, children who are punished with spanking show more aggression than those who are not.
For more on that,
read here.
If there is a problem with kids today, it's that they are being shown violence instead of grace. If there is a problem with
parents today it's that they are parenting punitively and operating under a false sense of entitlement. Yes, you read that right. They feel entitled to treat their kids how ever they darn well please, regardless of what actually works or is actually beneficial, because they too grew up being hit, manipulated, and forced into submission by grown ups. Now that they are the grown up themselves they revert to what some might call a "child-like mindset" that they should get whatever they want, whenever, because hey,
they're the grown up. It's so backwards from what the Bible teaches us about servant leadership and brotherly love that it's not even funny. This is the spoiled fruit of spanking.
The long and short of it is that spanking produces bad fruit, terrible fruit. As Christian parents we must help to tend and cultivate the gardens of our children's hearts in a way that produces
good fruit. In fact that good fruit is detailed for us in Galatians.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Gal. 5:22-23) Spanking produces none of these.
What About That Rod?
"Spare the rod, spoil the child!" Before anyone quotes this to me, please let me inform you that this saying does not come from the Bible directly. Rather it is a line from an erotic poem where the woman is the "child" and the "rod" sexual foreplay. And maybe don't
ever quote that to anyone again in regards to children,
pleaseandthankyou.
There are 5 verses in the Proverbs which refer to a "rod" and one in Hebrews (ref.12:6) which refers to the Lord "scourging" those he loves as a form of discipline and relates this to fathers with their sons.
Let us discuss this Hebrews verse first, and then we'll dig into the proverbs.
Hebrews 12:6 reads(and here the author is actually referring back to a verse in Deuteronomy,) "
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son..." and goes on to say, (v.7) "It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?"
The word translated here as chastises/scourges/punishes/chastens, depending on the version you have in front of you
can mean to beat with whips, it
can also mean simply to scold. It makes sense that if the writer were being allegorical, he might use the word scourge to give us a picture of a firm admonishment, but either way, I think we can safely agree that the meaning here doesn't
have to mean literally, physically, beat or strike (does God come down and literally cut us with whips as a part of his discipling of us, his followers? Is this the example Jesus gave in training his disciples? Hopefully we can collectively agree on No to both of those.) And in any case, this would have been directed not at little children, but at young men, as we will see in a moment.
Now the infamous "rod verses". We must understand firstly that Proverbs is neither a book of commands nor a book in which every verse always has a literal meaning. It is a book of
truisms and advice and is written in a poetic form. Not every word of every proverb is meant literally. Another (less popular, for obvious reasons,) Proverb reads, "When you sit down to dine with a King, consider carefully what is put before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are a man of great appetite." (Proverbs 23:1-2) If this is to be taken literally, then I think a lot of us are in a bit of danger, wouldn't you say? Ironically, many men I have seen advocating for the literal use of a rod on a literal small child would appear to be men of great appetites indeed, and as I see their heads still securely attached to their necks I have no choice but to assume they are all either great hypocrites, or that perhaps we are not to read absolutely literally into every verse here (or, quite possibly, both.)
So what
do these verses mean?
Well, let's break down the wording and then we'll look at the essence. The word "child" in all 5 of the verses is literally translated as "young man". The original Hebrew word is "na' ar" and it does not refer to small children, there are other names for those in the Hebrew. You see, in the times the Proverbs were being written, young men -scholars believe between the pre-teen and the twenty-something age range- would typically begin in training as soldiers and it is to them that these verses are directed. I do not believe that the "rod" which is spoken of is referring to a literal rod, however whether it is or is not, it clearly is not intended for young children, rather for the backs of unruly and foolhardy young men, beginning right around the age most parents today typically
stop spanking, as it is ironically considered inappropriate by then in our culture today (not to mention it is unlawful.)
In fact, many scholars believe that under Jewish law at the time it was actually
illegal to physically strike a child under the age of 7, which was considered a sort of grace and gentle nurturing period of life in Jewish tradition.
This rod, however, does not speak to a literal rod, stick, or staff as some would suggest, rather it is a symbol. As the horn is the biblical symbol of strength, so the rod is the biblical symbol of God's authority or law. 1 Corinthians 4: 21 refers to a "rod of discipline," but surely we are to take that as I have shown above and we do not believe that Paul would have come upon the Corinthians with sticks or clubs (or pvc piping, for that matter,) but rather with stern words and a reminder of the law and authority which the church he was writing to was flaunting.
The essence of the verses we have so often heard repeated to support the punishing our little ones through spanking in reality goes something this: "The law of God is useful in training young men who are given to foolishness."
Psalm 94:12 "Blessed is the one you discipline, LORD, the one you teach from your law;"
And it's a simple as that.
A Heart Matter
A really important piece of all this is that some parents believe they can, well, basically spank sin out of their children or spank goodness into them. This is usually because of a mistaken understanding of the proverb which speaks of the rod driving folly out of the son. But as we have already seen, the rod should be understood as firm teaching in the Word.
People can't change people. This cannot be said enough. As a parent there is much I can do to encourage spiritual growth, godliness, and goodness in my children, as well as firm but gentle and compassionate ways to guide them away from that which is negative. But I can never make them into anything. Trying to force godliness on anyone, our kids included, will often produce the opposite result. It is a great fallacy to think that by my own parental (human) power I can drive sin out of them or goodness into them. The same applies to any idea of obedience. Obedience is a heart issue and you. can. not. change your child's heart by your own power, regardless of your methods. Trying, again, will inwardly, if not outwardly, produce destructive results in the child.
When I was young and forced to apologize to my brother for something I remember always saying the words I was told to say, "I'm sorry for__" then turning and whispering "just kidding" or "no I'm not" under my breath when my Mother was safely out of hearing range. Why? Because 1) I was afraid of punishment. I would have gotten in trouble if I hadn't said it (or my Mom heard me "taking it back.") and 2) I
wasn't really sorry for what I had done. Outwardly it looked as if I were complying meekly, but inwardly I was rebelling and generally the harder I was forced to comply outwardly the more inwardly I would rebel. We cannot police our children's thoughts, indeed, they must learn to control their own thoughts and actions and punishment cannot achieve this on a true heart level on anyone, old or young. Perhaps you think I was just a brat, but I reason that I was Every Child for we are all born with rebellion in our hearts which no amount of force or manipulation can expel from us. If it could, we would have a lot of sinless adults walking around and the Bible tells us that this is simply not possible, our sinfulness will be with us until we are in heaven and that is the great news of the gospel, that instead of us having to pay for our sins, Christ took the punishment upon himself
that we may live freely under grace (though we are not to flaunt it, read Romans 6 for more on the subject) and washed us as "white as snow."
Romans 3:23-24 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
So yes, outward
behaviors can be modified, somewhat in some kids, more in others, little or none in some (who might wrongly be labeled "delinquents,") depending on personality. But by the power and force of man's hand it is only a farce. True heart-change come only from knowing God. This is why we are instructed to bring our children up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Teaching them to know God, through
prayer, worship, instruction through his Word and the study of it is what will guide them towards relationship with him and thereby sanctification, which is the work of God and God only.
"Little Sinners"
Please please please people, do not refer to your children dismissively as "little sinners" unless you are acutely aware that they are no greater sinners than you yourself
at this very moment. "For
all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Rom. 3:23) Yes, we are born under the curse of sin and with natural inner bent towards it. But the Bible repeatedly refers to children as "innocent". Young children are innocent in God's eyes, for they do not yet have an understanding of their nature, of sin, of the things that they do or of true natural consequence. The Bible shows us that in fact God takes special pity and compassion on the young and innocent (Jonah 4:11, Isaiah 42:11, Matthew 19:14) In fact Jesus praises their innocence and reminds his disciple that we are to strive to be
more like children! (Luke 18:16-17)
A Word To Paedobaptists and to Reformers
I can see how a man in the faith who believes that this religion is really "just for grown ups" -meaning that he does not believe that young children can be saved, that baptism is only for adults, and that salvation can be lost and was not written out before all time- I can see how this man could justify spanking, for no Bible verse then would apply to children but those directed specifically to them. He could twist out some sort of justification of physical punishment. However, to those of us who see salvation as an eternal act, a predestined work that is always working. How can we say, as is obviously true, that these same children are our brothers and sisters in Christ yet justify physically striking them? Does that not make us hypocrites of the worst kind? Unless we treat everyone in the Church that way, then yes! Why are we saying we believe one thing and then practicing something which at it's core flies right in the face of that which we purport to believe and strive to live out? I think it's a shame.
For further reading on the subject of spanking and the Bible I suggest
this post, excellently laid out, or
this great one, or
this, and the wonderful work by Samuel Martin, entitled "Thy Rod And Thy Staff They Comfort me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy." His blog is
here. I should note that the author has generously offered this book in e-form free to any who ask until spanking has been eradicated.
